1 00:00:00,690 --> 00:00:02,470 Previously on Queer as Folk: 2 00:00:02,470 --> 00:00:05,730 Sucks about Rage. - When something's over, it's over. 3 00:00:05,730 --> 00:00:09,450 Guess how many homos showed up last night for the reopening of Babylon. 4 00:00:09,450 --> 00:00:11,930 Twelve. - Where did they all go? 5 00:00:11,930 --> 00:00:12,820 Poppers. 6 00:00:12,820 --> 00:00:16,530 You want me to... - Do a new segment. That includes being channel 5's... 7 00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:20,870 queer guy. - Jenny Rebecca is my daughter too, and I'm going to have joint custody. 8 00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:23,830 You go ahead and try. - If you go through with this, 9 00:00:23,830 --> 00:00:25,590 Lindsey's going to be the one that gets left out. - She should have 10 00:00:25,590 --> 00:00:27,590 thought of that before she cheated on Mel. 11 00:00:27,590 --> 00:00:30,490 Fags and dykes can fuck up their lives just like the rest of the world. 12 00:00:30,490 --> 00:00:34,890 There's still one thing Pittsburgh has that Hollywood doesn't. If the offer still stands. 13 00:02:52,970 --> 00:02:56,100 Buy you a drink? - Gray goose and arsenic. 14 00:02:56,100 --> 00:03:02,120 Hey, that should be tomorrow's night two-buck special! We'll make, ooh, at least... 15 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:04,050 six bucks? 16 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:09,570 How about a full page spread in Out? I put window cards in every shop on Libery Avenue. 17 00:03:09,780 --> 00:03:13,780 I even have fucking go-go boys in Speedos passing out flyers. 18 00:03:13,780 --> 00:03:17,350 With promotion like that, there should be lines around the block. - Oh, there are. 19 00:03:17,350 --> 00:03:18,790 At Poppers. 20 00:03:20,490 --> 00:03:22,220 Drinks on the house. 21 00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:25,430 For wasting our time and our talent. 22 00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:29,070 I don't get why everyone left. 23 00:03:29,550 --> 00:03:31,670 That's one of the great mysteries of life... 24 00:03:31,990 --> 00:03:35,390 How does a bud know when to open, how does a bird know how to fly... 25 00:03:35,390 --> 00:03:38,570 Why do queers desert one club for another... 26 00:03:45,090 --> 00:03:48,530 Oh, I know, I'm late. I'm sorry. - Don't worry about it. 27 00:03:48,530 --> 00:03:51,870 Oh, how is my sweetie? - Out like a light. 28 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,390 How much Xanax did you give her? 29 00:03:55,870 --> 00:04:00,150 It was a joke. I wish I could get her to sleep instead of crying all night. 30 00:04:00,150 --> 00:04:01,420 Why did Jacobs have to say? 31 00:04:01,420 --> 00:04:03,660 Oh, Michael doesn't have a fucking chance of proving 32 00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:05,990 he'll be a better custodial parent than me. 33 00:04:05,990 --> 00:04:08,620 And the judge almost always favors the mother. 34 00:04:08,630 --> 00:04:11,130 Look what happened with Hunter's mother for Christ sake. 35 00:04:11,130 --> 00:04:13,310 In this case, that's a relief. - Yeah. 36 00:04:13,310 --> 00:04:15,690 There is one more thing. 37 00:04:15,690 --> 00:04:18,910 He thinks it's best if I go to the meeting alone. 38 00:04:18,910 --> 00:04:20,200 And why is that? 39 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:22,360 It'd be more prudent and less complicated, 40 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:24,730 if we kept things between the birth mother and the birth father. 41 00:04:24,730 --> 00:04:28,300 I don't think it's so prudent... I have as much right to be there as you do! 42 00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:32,420 Actually, you don't, and your presence could prove judgemental to my case. 43 00:04:33,290 --> 00:04:34,830 Your case? 44 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:39,070 We were life partners for ten years. 45 00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:43,260 And now we're divorcing lesbians... not even divorcing, dissolving. 46 00:04:43,260 --> 00:04:46,280 Why make matters more complicated? - Well what about me? 47 00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:49,610 You and me will still have the same arrangement we have now. 48 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:54,670 We'll spend equal time with Jenny Rebecca, same with Gus. That won't change. 49 00:04:55,380 --> 00:04:57,480 You'll just have to trust me. 50 00:05:01,790 --> 00:05:05,380 She said she and her lawyer talked it over and decided it'd be best for me 51 00:05:05,380 --> 00:05:08,410 not to be there when they meet with Michael and his lawyer. 52 00:05:08,410 --> 00:05:11,530 She says that the fact that we're not together will only complicate the case 53 00:05:11,530 --> 00:05:13,270 and give Michael more ammunition. 54 00:05:13,270 --> 00:05:17,890 But I think I have as much right to be there as they do, even if I'm not the biological parent. 55 00:05:21,370 --> 00:05:22,840 Blue rooster? 56 00:05:23,570 --> 00:05:25,130 The chicken chain? 57 00:05:26,790 --> 00:05:30,990 They need a campaign for their new 16 oz. sandwich. 58 00:05:32,170 --> 00:05:36,020 How do you like, "when you're hungry for a big cock..." 59 00:05:38,530 --> 00:05:40,580 Yeah, they didn't like it either. 60 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,460 So what did Melanie say? 61 00:05:45,620 --> 00:05:47,490 She said I should trust her. 62 00:05:48,740 --> 00:05:52,160 And once everything was settled, she'd share custody with me. 63 00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:54,840 That we have a deal. 64 00:05:56,110 --> 00:05:57,990 The way she had a deal with Michael. 65 00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:02,430 I want to believe her. I do. 66 00:06:04,250 --> 00:06:06,780 We tried to be fair where the kids are concerned. 67 00:06:08,460 --> 00:06:10,580 But I'm the one with the most to lose. 68 00:06:10,580 --> 00:06:13,400 Then stop bitching and moaning and do something. 69 00:06:14,660 --> 00:06:17,980 Can always count on you for the cold, hard truth. 70 00:06:23,340 --> 00:06:24,580 Here, 71 00:06:28,090 --> 00:06:30,520 Who's he? - It's a lawyer friend of mine. 72 00:06:30,950 --> 00:06:32,520 I'll give him a call first. 73 00:06:32,980 --> 00:06:34,430 Stop worrying... 74 00:06:34,700 --> 00:06:36,580 ...about how much it's going to cost. 75 00:06:37,550 --> 00:06:39,510 I guess I have no choice. 76 00:06:39,830 --> 00:06:41,080 Guess not. 77 00:06:42,930 --> 00:06:46,930 Oh, the queers are about to find out what the breeders have done all along. 78 00:06:48,220 --> 00:06:50,040 In a messy divorce... 79 00:06:51,910 --> 00:06:53,680 nobody stays clean. 80 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,790 When I was in L.A. thinking I might come back to Pittsburgh and paint, 81 00:07:00,790 --> 00:07:03,110 I didn't imagine it would be like this. 82 00:07:03,110 --> 00:07:06,900 Tell you what, you can sign the wall. - We really appreciate the extra hand. 83 00:07:06,900 --> 00:07:09,880 Hey, some day when you and Brian get a house, we'll return the favor. 84 00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:12,990 Don't run to the paint store. - Oh, you never know... 85 00:07:12,990 --> 00:07:16,120 Hey, guess what I never did. - Put rat traps in the attic? 86 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:19,400 Carried you over the threshold! That's what married people do, right Justin? 87 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:20,880 I wouldn't know... 88 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:24,290 Oh, why don't I carry you over the threshold?- Oh you want to try, big guy? 89 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:29,310 Jesus, Ben! - Come on baby, let's make this official! 90 00:07:29,310 --> 00:07:31,710 Put me down! - Here we go! 91 00:07:31,710 --> 00:07:34,770 Hey, you guys playing little rough house in your new house? 92 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:39,120 Hey, Sunshine! - Hey. 93 00:07:39,450 --> 00:07:43,070 I thought you boys - damn it, you men - could use some lunch, 94 00:07:43,070 --> 00:07:46,350 so I brought cheese steaks, and one veggie hoagie for my son in law. 95 00:07:46,350 --> 00:07:47,750 Oh, thanks Deb. 96 00:07:48,850 --> 00:07:52,680 Wow... this place is really shaping up, huh? - Yeah. 97 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:55,370 You know what would look great on this wall? - Another coat of paint? 98 00:07:55,370 --> 00:07:57,410 My velvet cat painting. 99 00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:59,630 Huh? From my living room. 100 00:07:59,630 --> 00:08:01,440 I've been saving it for you, honey! 101 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:03,480 I'll take these to the kitchen. 102 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:07,160 What's up his ass? 103 00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:10,000 Why don't you find out? - I'll leave that to you. 104 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,270 I sure like to know why he's so fucking pissy. 105 00:08:15,380 --> 00:08:18,580 So what do you say we... 106 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:27,850 You might try thanking me for the sandwiches. 107 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:29,830 Thanks. 108 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,540 You're welcome. 109 00:08:31,540 --> 00:08:33,620 And why haven't I heard from you in a week? 110 00:08:34,050 --> 00:08:37,170 I've been kind of busy. - Don't open up a mouth. 111 00:08:37,950 --> 00:08:39,560 I'm just asking. 112 00:08:42,460 --> 00:08:44,200 You need to stock up. 113 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:49,000 Why don't I go to the grocery and... - Better yet, why don't you go stock up Melanie's refrigerator. 114 00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:54,300 Why the hell would I do that? 115 00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:57,500 You told her you agreed with her. You're on her side. 116 00:08:57,500 --> 00:09:01,660 My own mother. - What I said was, I was not on anyone's side 117 00:09:01,660 --> 00:09:04,030 so think of me like Switzerland. 118 00:09:04,390 --> 00:09:08,190 What, a haven for nazi gold? - Neutral. 119 00:09:08,190 --> 00:09:10,190 All I care about is that kid. 120 00:09:10,190 --> 00:09:13,910 So do I. That's why I want her in a loving home with two parents. 121 00:09:13,910 --> 00:09:16,080 Whis is that so hard to comprehend? 122 00:09:17,550 --> 00:09:22,280 What's hard to comprehend is how angry you've been at me all these years. 123 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,780 For being a single mom. And here, 124 00:09:24,780 --> 00:09:27,730 I always thought we made it through just fine, you and me. 125 00:09:27,730 --> 00:09:29,730 The two musketeers. 126 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,730 Apparently not. 127 00:09:32,340 --> 00:09:36,030 Well, I'm sorry I couldn't give you everything you wanted. 128 00:09:37,290 --> 00:09:39,590 But I gave you everything I could. 129 00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:50,080 You are the luckiest fuck in Pittsburgh. 130 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:53,830 As if that was reason to barge into my office. - I found you a buyer. 131 00:09:53,830 --> 00:09:55,460 Hurray! 132 00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:58,370 What am I selling? 133 00:09:58,370 --> 00:09:59,350 Babylon. 134 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,220 Yeah, a consortium wants to build a galleria, 135 00:10:02,220 --> 00:10:06,220 and they're willing to buy out your lease at a very good price. 136 00:10:07,870 --> 00:10:09,170 Why, aren't you excited? 137 00:10:09,750 --> 00:10:12,030 Relieved? Overjoyed? I mean, in another couple of weeks, 138 00:10:12,030 --> 00:10:15,100 you would have had to take out loans against Kinnetic to pay for that fakakta club. 139 00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:16,790 Yeah, unless I turned it around. 140 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:20,690 Not even Rage could accomplish that feat. Oh, and the beauty part is, 141 00:10:20,690 --> 00:10:23,610 we'll write it off! You can use it for a tax deduction. 142 00:10:23,610 --> 00:10:26,790 Sounds like good, practical advice. 143 00:10:26,790 --> 00:10:30,260 Just... walk away, leave it to the developers. 144 00:10:33,650 --> 00:10:37,510 And after they finish turning Babylon into the mall of America, then what? 145 00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:41,550 Make Woody's into a Wall-Mart? 146 00:10:41,550 --> 00:10:43,550 Torso into Target? 147 00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:45,680 The diner into an home and garden? 148 00:10:46,350 --> 00:10:47,950 I'm sorry, Theodore. 149 00:10:47,950 --> 00:10:52,650 I'm sure there are millions of faggots who'd like nothing more than to walk the straight n arrow. 150 00:10:53,150 --> 00:10:56,900 But I'd sooner die than see Liberty Avenue homogenized. 151 00:10:56,900 --> 00:10:58,900 And de-homoized. 152 00:11:02,030 --> 00:11:05,010 Hi hon. - Hi sweetheart, how was your day? 153 00:11:05,010 --> 00:11:09,150 Well, if you care to take off your coat and stick around for a while, I'll tell you all about it. 154 00:11:09,150 --> 00:11:11,560 I'd take off more than that, but I'm late for my shift. 155 00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:15,960 There's sausage and riggatoni in the stove, be careful 'cause the sausage is real garlicky. 156 00:11:16,740 --> 00:11:19,230 I'll just have to put some breath mints by the bed. 157 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,170 When will you be back? 158 00:11:23,170 --> 00:11:25,640 Around one. - Perfect. 159 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,250 I'll be asleep around 12:59. 160 00:11:29,070 --> 00:11:31,590 You know, when we decided to live together, 161 00:11:31,590 --> 00:11:34,370 I actually thought it'd be at the same time. 162 00:11:34,370 --> 00:11:36,950 You know it isn't always like this! 163 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:43,020 I don't want to come home to sausage and riggatoni. 164 00:11:44,610 --> 00:11:47,610 I want to come home to sausage, and riggatoni, and you. 165 00:11:47,610 --> 00:11:51,620 As soon as Betty's back from her surgery, I wouldn't have to do any more late shifts. 166 00:11:51,620 --> 00:11:53,250 Why do you have to do any shifts? 167 00:11:53,670 --> 00:11:58,330 What are you talking about? - You kill yourself at the diner, on your feet day and night. Why? 168 00:11:58,330 --> 00:11:59,770 It's what I do! 169 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:03,150 It's what I've always done. - That doesn't mean you have on doing it. 170 00:12:03,150 --> 00:12:05,080 What would I do for money, print it? 171 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:07,790 You'd arrest me. - I have money. 172 00:12:08,660 --> 00:12:11,030 Carl, I've never lived off anyone. 173 00:12:11,350 --> 00:12:15,040 I've never asked for so much as a dime, I don't intend to start now. 174 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:18,090 You're not asking. I'm offering. 175 00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:20,090 Sweetheart... 176 00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:23,190 You've been looking after others pracitally your whole life. 177 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,790 Don't you deserve a little time for yourself? 178 00:12:26,470 --> 00:12:27,680 For us? 179 00:12:30,620 --> 00:12:34,120 Okay everyone, I want you to meet Emmett Honeycut, our new queer guy. 180 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:38,950 I'm so excited to be here and meet you all... hope I don't wet myself! 181 00:12:38,950 --> 00:12:41,200 Jake Anderson, news anchor. - Oh my god, 182 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:45,530 you're even hotter in person, if that's possible. Every gay boy's dream. 183 00:12:45,530 --> 00:12:47,640 Mary Yamasushi, our co-anchor. 184 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:51,980 I love your hair! It's so much more flattering than Lucy-red curls you had 185 00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:54,070 during the Monica Lewinskey scandal. 186 00:12:54,070 --> 00:12:56,160 Bud Lockwood, sports. - Oh well, 187 00:12:56,160 --> 00:13:00,240 between you and me, Bud, I usually go for a pee when sports are up. But it's a pleasure. 188 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:04,860 And our weather man... - Johnny Memphis! I swear by you. 189 00:13:04,860 --> 00:13:08,180 When you said it was gonna rain the day of gay pride, all those silly queens laughed at me 190 00:13:08,180 --> 00:13:11,850 for bringing an umbrella, but guess who's hair and gown survived that forty-mile an hour cold front, 191 00:13:11,850 --> 00:13:13,320 blowing in from the north. 192 00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:16,980 Well. 193 00:13:18,300 --> 00:13:21,730 It's great to be, um, part of the team. 194 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:25,050 You should've seen the way they looked at me. 195 00:13:25,050 --> 00:13:28,180 Like I was some alien from Uranus. 196 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:32,190 No matter what anyone says, it's a relief to come back to our home sweet home. 197 00:13:32,190 --> 00:13:35,270 Yeah. I used to feel the same way after a day at Wertschafter's. 198 00:13:35,270 --> 00:13:39,630 Yeah, but you can pass for straight. My flames always burned too big and too bright for that. 199 00:13:39,630 --> 00:13:41,310 Well, can you heat up my soup? 200 00:13:41,310 --> 00:13:45,000 You know, whenever I've tried to play on a team, I always ended up on the bench. 201 00:13:46,340 --> 00:13:48,380 I don't want that to happen this time. 202 00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:50,970 Fuck! 203 00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:55,470 What's wrong, Deb? - It's this goddamn sign. 204 00:13:55,470 --> 00:13:57,660 I mean, my "help" is alright but I don't have enough... 205 00:13:57,660 --> 00:14:02,770 room here for "wanted", and I haven't even gotten around to "inquire within". - Here... 206 00:14:02,770 --> 00:14:04,090 Let me. 207 00:14:05,820 --> 00:14:08,190 Sure helps to have an artist in the family. 208 00:14:08,910 --> 00:14:11,330 Who's leaving? Betty? 209 00:14:11,330 --> 00:14:12,310 Kiki? 210 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:14,010 Me. 211 00:14:14,890 --> 00:14:16,010 You? 212 00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:21,690 Why, is that so hard to believe? - You can't leave the diner, Debbie. You are the diner. 213 00:14:21,690 --> 00:14:25,950 Besides what would we do without you? - Still complain your hash browns aren't crisp enough. 214 00:14:25,950 --> 00:14:28,950 Or you soup isn't hot enough. Don't think I didn't hear that! 215 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,140 Keep printing. 216 00:14:32,910 --> 00:14:35,400 There's no something wrong, is there? - Hmm? 217 00:14:36,970 --> 00:14:38,190 Oh... 218 00:14:38,190 --> 00:14:39,530 hell no. 219 00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:44,170 Just I have spent the last 25 years listening to these boys complain about 220 00:14:44,170 --> 00:14:46,470 not finding a man. 221 00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:50,030 Well, I've finally found one. 222 00:14:50,660 --> 00:14:53,630 Except I'm never home with him. How dumb is that. 223 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:55,950 But what will you do? 224 00:14:56,880 --> 00:15:01,460 There's always some bright new challange, some shiny new adventure. 225 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:04,390 Like you, you went off to fucking Hollywood. 226 00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:07,280 I came back to fucking Pittsburgh. 227 00:15:07,750 --> 00:15:11,000 What if you want to come back, but you can't because someone took your place? 228 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,430 When I'm gone, I'm gone. 229 00:15:13,430 --> 00:15:16,030 I'm donating my vest and my t-shirt to the Smithsonian, 230 00:15:16,030 --> 00:15:18,790 and it's so long Liberty Diner, and... 231 00:15:18,790 --> 00:15:21,050 hello liberty. 232 00:15:22,950 --> 00:15:24,010 Wow. 233 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:27,220 That's not a sign, that's a work of art. 234 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:43,750 Not bad. 235 00:15:44,230 --> 00:15:45,500 It's brilliant. 236 00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:51,620 An arist can never have too high an opinion of himself. 237 00:15:51,620 --> 00:15:54,220 They were going to be part of my final school project. 238 00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:55,910 Still can. 239 00:15:55,910 --> 00:15:59,170 It's too late. - After Hollywood, 240 00:15:59,170 --> 00:16:02,850 It would feel like a prequel. - And not a very good one. 241 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:07,140 I'm going to take my time, look around. 242 00:16:07,140 --> 00:16:09,140 Figure out what to do next. 243 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:11,240 I've got it. 244 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:17,040 How about a full time career at one of Pittsburgh's top advertising agencies. 245 00:16:18,030 --> 00:16:19,260 Thanks. 246 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,080 It's time I make my own way in the world. 247 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:31,990 Just as well, since I hear the guy who owns it is about to lose his shirt. 248 00:16:31,990 --> 00:16:34,890 I'm sure he'll survive like he always does. 249 00:16:34,890 --> 00:16:36,520 Beautifully. 250 00:16:40,660 --> 00:16:41,830 Going somewhere? 251 00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:45,460 To the soon to be, former Babylon. 252 00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:48,540 Can't let the ship go down without the captain. 253 00:16:48,540 --> 00:16:51,990 This club Brett took me to in L.A. really knew how to work it. 254 00:16:51,990 --> 00:16:54,950 They'd be fags lined up around the block, begging to get in. 255 00:16:54,950 --> 00:16:57,160 It must've been a hell of a place. 256 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,070 Wasn't that different than here. 257 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,920 They just made it seem like it was. 258 00:17:08,950 --> 00:17:12,860 Sunshine, how did I ever get along without you? - You didn't. 259 00:17:23,340 --> 00:17:28,680 I was at the Maysonette for 12 years, then I did a 10 year stint at Charlie's... 260 00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:33,160 Smokers. 261 00:17:33,980 --> 00:17:39,260 And for the past 19 years, I've been at Buddha's Garden, a health food restaurant. 262 00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:42,430 So why did you leave? - Owner died. 263 00:17:42,430 --> 00:17:46,140 I think he O.D.ed on tofu burgers. 264 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:48,670 Well. 265 00:17:49,370 --> 00:17:52,080 You certainly do qualify, so, um... 266 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,240 I'll be in touch. - Thanks! 267 00:17:55,330 --> 00:17:59,300 Oh by the way, is there a place around here I could get some cigarettes? 268 00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:02,410 Yeah, at Liberty Liquor right down the street. - Thanks. 269 00:18:03,100 --> 00:18:06,030 Hey Deb, it's almost time. - I'm coming! 270 00:18:06,530 --> 00:18:08,200 Ready for the big premier? 271 00:18:08,660 --> 00:18:13,410 ... great weekend for sports. Jake? - Thanks Bud, I know I'll be watching. 272 00:18:13,410 --> 00:18:17,180 Well up next, a guy who's not exactly an iron man, but... 273 00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:20,210 hopefully he can score a few points with our viewers. 274 00:18:20,210 --> 00:18:23,530 Tonight we introduce the newest member of the channel 5 news team, 275 00:18:23,530 --> 00:18:26,620 offering life from a different perspective. 276 00:18:26,970 --> 00:18:29,590 Our very own, queer guy. 277 00:18:30,300 --> 00:18:31,760 Thanks Jake! 278 00:18:33,250 --> 00:18:34,820 I'm Emmett Honeycut. 279 00:18:34,820 --> 00:18:36,650 Your queer guy. 280 00:18:36,650 --> 00:18:41,380 Here to give you insights and tips on how to make your life more fab... 281 00:18:42,460 --> 00:18:46,820 better. - You didn't tell me he was the queer guy for the 700 Club! - Shush! 282 00:18:46,820 --> 00:18:49,560 So guys... I mean, men. 283 00:18:50,140 --> 00:18:52,740 Say you're about to lean in and kiss your... 284 00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:53,640 girl. 285 00:18:54,330 --> 00:18:56,830 You've brushed your teeth, combed your hair, 286 00:18:56,830 --> 00:18:58,830 even splashed on your aftershave. 287 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,240 But didn't you forget something? 288 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:05,500 That's right! We're talking about those pesky nose hairs! 289 00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:11,150 Nothing turns the ladies off more, than a jungle coming out of your nostrils. 290 00:19:11,580 --> 00:19:14,500 A handy pair of scissors will do the trick. 291 00:19:14,970 --> 00:19:16,350 Nose hairs? 292 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:18,660 That's his big opening number? 293 00:19:18,660 --> 00:19:22,380 I mean, would West Side Story open with the Sharks and Jets clipping away? 294 00:19:22,850 --> 00:19:25,690 Would Fiddler open with Tubia trimming on the roof? 295 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,000 Would Phantom of the Opera open... - I got it. 296 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,500 Excuse me? - Yeah, have a seat hon. 297 00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:32,150 I'll get your order in a minute. 298 00:19:32,150 --> 00:19:34,520 I'd like to apply for the job. 299 00:19:35,470 --> 00:19:36,660 In the window? 300 00:19:37,180 --> 00:19:39,490 It says "inquire within". 301 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,300 So, I'm inquiring. 302 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:43,950 Within. 303 00:19:45,130 --> 00:19:47,290 Well, in that case, 304 00:19:47,870 --> 00:19:49,560 step into my office. 305 00:19:49,990 --> 00:19:52,940 Next date, don't forget to gargle, 306 00:19:52,940 --> 00:19:54,940 don't forget to snip. 307 00:19:55,230 --> 00:19:56,940 Back to you, Jake! 308 00:19:57,410 --> 00:20:00,080 Thank you queer guy, for that queer advice. 309 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:03,950 Up next: are umbrellas in our future. 310 00:20:03,950 --> 00:20:07,040 Johnny Memphis will be here with the 5-day forcast. 311 00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:09,080 My name is Loretta Pye, 312 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,730 with a "y". - I'm Debbie, with an "ie". 313 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:17,110 So, Loretta, you done much waitressing? 314 00:20:17,110 --> 00:20:20,620 Well, does waiting on my husband count? - Depends on the tips. 315 00:20:21,290 --> 00:20:22,930 Not too good. 316 00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:26,560 Other than that, I haven't had much experience. But... 317 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,220 but now I need a job. 318 00:20:31,220 --> 00:20:33,910 Did your husband pass on? 319 00:20:36,090 --> 00:20:37,810 Oh, um, 320 00:20:38,610 --> 00:20:40,470 He's very much alive. 321 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:42,470 He threw me out. 322 00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:49,530 He came home unexpectedly from work and he caught me kissing my friend Sherrylind. 323 00:20:49,820 --> 00:20:53,860 We were making cinnamon buns, you know, it was a one time thing, I mean, 324 00:20:53,860 --> 00:20:57,920 she's married, she's got three kids, it was spur of the moment. 325 00:20:58,170 --> 00:21:02,600 I mean, we were licking the icing spoon, and one lick led to another, and... 326 00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:06,240 Shouldn't have told you all that. 327 00:21:07,020 --> 00:21:09,130 He always said I talked too much. 328 00:21:09,410 --> 00:21:12,720 You can say whatever the fuck you want. Hell, you ought to hear me. 329 00:21:16,090 --> 00:21:17,460 But, um, 330 00:21:17,460 --> 00:21:21,360 listen, working here isn't easy. You know, there's taking orders, there's bouncing plates, 331 00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:25,200 there's making sure the customers keep their pants on. Literally. 332 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:29,190 I'm a real fast learner. All my teachers at school used to say so. 333 00:21:29,190 --> 00:21:32,980 And I promise, I'll work hard. - Maybe so, honey, it's just... 334 00:21:32,980 --> 00:21:34,100 Okay look. 335 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:37,000 I know I don't have any qualifications. 336 00:21:37,460 --> 00:21:40,340 It's just that I also know I can't go home. 337 00:21:42,290 --> 00:21:44,610 So if you could just give me a chance. 338 00:21:53,430 --> 00:21:54,740 Freshen your cup? 339 00:22:02,710 --> 00:22:05,990 Now it used to be the definitions of a mother was simple. 340 00:22:05,990 --> 00:22:08,470 It's the dear lady who gave birth to you. 341 00:22:08,470 --> 00:22:11,060 She wiped your nose, she baked you brownies, and... 342 00:22:11,770 --> 00:22:14,530 and once a year you send in a specially touching Hallmark greeting to her, 343 00:22:14,530 --> 00:22:17,110 thanking her for her endless sacrifices. 344 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:19,760 But these days it's more complicated. 345 00:22:20,050 --> 00:22:22,880 Biological mothers, surrogate mothers, lesbian mothers. 346 00:22:23,310 --> 00:22:27,150 Soon you'd be sending a card to yourself. "Thanks for cloning me". 347 00:22:28,350 --> 00:22:30,570 I digress. Let's... 348 00:22:30,970 --> 00:22:33,890 get back to your case. - No, I'm not sure I have one. 349 00:22:33,890 --> 00:22:37,720 I am. Otherwise I wouldn't be wasting my time, or Brian's money. 350 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:40,770 In fact, I see a damn good one, based on what you've told me. 351 00:22:41,470 --> 00:22:43,630 You're not going to use what I told you? 352 00:22:44,530 --> 00:22:47,680 Everything we've discussed here is of course, confidential. 353 00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:51,040 But I'd be a fool and a lousy lawyer if I didn't. 354 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:52,290 You mustn't. 355 00:22:52,860 --> 00:22:55,950 I've said such aweful things about both of them. - But they're true, aren't they? 356 00:22:55,950 --> 00:22:58,920 Well yes, but... - Then how do you expect to prove 357 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:02,640 you're just as qualified to be Jenny Rebecca's parent as they are? 358 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:04,250 Share in the custody? 359 00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:07,070 But Melanie's my parnter... - Was. 360 00:23:07,070 --> 00:23:10,870 And Michael's a dear close friend we've chosen to be the baby's father! 361 00:23:11,230 --> 00:23:13,450 Only they've... betrayed you. 362 00:23:13,450 --> 00:23:15,020 Now you can't trust them. 363 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:17,230 Which is why you've come to me. 364 00:23:21,620 --> 00:23:22,870 Mr. Gabriel, 365 00:23:23,580 --> 00:23:25,480 if I say these things, 366 00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:27,480 the things you want me to say, 367 00:23:29,140 --> 00:23:30,680 they'll never forgive me. 368 00:23:32,300 --> 00:23:33,030 Never. 369 00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:35,690 Well, it's a little late to worry about that. 370 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,300 Besides, we're not here to make friends. 371 00:23:38,300 --> 00:23:40,130 But to stoop that low... 372 00:23:40,130 --> 00:23:42,130 That's why you got yourself a lawyer. 373 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:43,960 So you won't have to. 374 00:23:53,190 --> 00:23:55,380 Did you see that? - What? 375 00:23:55,690 --> 00:23:59,160 I'm getting cruised! By everybody. 376 00:23:59,580 --> 00:24:02,630 Did it ever occur to you they just might be looking at me? 377 00:24:03,300 --> 00:24:06,120 I would ask if I need help crossing the street. 378 00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:09,830 Would you cut it out? You look great for your age. 379 00:24:10,210 --> 00:24:12,920 I mean, for any age. 380 00:24:13,460 --> 00:24:16,620 Oh, I guess they must've recognized me from the news. 381 00:24:16,950 --> 00:24:20,500 Unless one is in the media, one doesn't realize the impact television has on one. 382 00:24:20,930 --> 00:24:23,490 One also doesn't realize how annoying the use of the word "one" can be 383 00:24:23,490 --> 00:24:25,630 when one keeps repeating it. 384 00:24:25,630 --> 00:24:28,280 Alright, Mr. Grumpedpuss... 385 00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:30,500 you'll feel better once we get to Poppers. 386 00:24:30,500 --> 00:24:34,220 You mean you will. Standing next to me you'll look at least 10 years younger. 387 00:24:37,550 --> 00:24:38,320 Hey! 388 00:24:38,980 --> 00:24:42,040 Poppers is this way. - And Babylon is this way. 389 00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:44,360 But we don't want to go to Babylon. 390 00:24:44,660 --> 00:24:47,060 I have stop by and give Brian a body count. 391 00:24:47,060 --> 00:24:49,530 Apt term for a morgue. 392 00:24:50,130 --> 00:24:53,920 Alright, shouldn't take long. You'll be able to count them on one hand. 393 00:24:55,310 --> 00:24:56,790 What's going on? 394 00:24:57,500 --> 00:25:00,390 Brian's probably giving blowjobs to the customers. 395 00:25:00,390 --> 00:25:02,450 Honestly, he has no shame. 396 00:25:02,450 --> 00:25:05,720 You! Not you, not you, you... 397 00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:08,840 Hey! Why can't I get in? - Oh, let him in... 398 00:25:09,530 --> 00:25:11,210 on Troll Tuesday. 399 00:25:13,190 --> 00:25:15,030 Where did all these guys come from? 400 00:25:15,030 --> 00:25:18,320 Seems like Babylon is once again the place to be. 401 00:25:18,930 --> 00:25:20,320 Not you, not you. 402 00:25:24,330 --> 00:25:25,860 It's chilly out here. 403 00:25:26,870 --> 00:25:28,810 Shall we go in? - Let's. 404 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:37,500 Excuse me? Do you realize who I am? 405 00:25:38,750 --> 00:25:41,210 I happen to be the channel 5 queer guy? 406 00:25:41,210 --> 00:25:45,040 Which makes me a very important homosexual person. 407 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:50,900 Each of us, in his own way, is unique and beautiful and special. 408 00:25:51,630 --> 00:25:53,590 But that didn't get them in either. 409 00:26:03,530 --> 00:26:05,040 There's nobody here! 410 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:07,060 Here you go boys. 411 00:26:08,270 --> 00:26:13,780 A hundred for you, a hundred for you, a hundred for you. 412 00:26:13,780 --> 00:26:16,360 And a hundred for you. 413 00:26:16,360 --> 00:26:19,960 You hired those guys? - They seem to be drawing a nice crowd. 414 00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:22,970 See, the concept is we want people to come in. 415 00:26:22,970 --> 00:26:24,330 Oh what's the rush? 416 00:26:24,330 --> 00:26:26,150 In L.A. they'd stand in line all night. 417 00:26:26,150 --> 00:26:28,810 This isn't L.A.! - Theodore... 418 00:26:29,050 --> 00:26:31,120 permit me to explain something. 419 00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:34,480 Fags are no different than people. 420 00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:38,950 You tell them they can't have something, and it's all they want. 421 00:26:38,950 --> 00:26:41,390 And they won't give up until they get it. 422 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:51,560 Now, shall we step outside and allow a few more of the "beautiful people"... 423 00:26:52,090 --> 00:26:52,940 in? 424 00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:02,770 Two pink plate specials. 425 00:27:04,050 --> 00:27:05,360 Enjoy it. 426 00:27:06,100 --> 00:27:08,190 Me knees are shaking, I'm a nervous wreck. 427 00:27:08,190 --> 00:27:10,620 You're doing fine. - Where's our food? 428 00:27:10,620 --> 00:27:12,850 We ordered it a year ago. - Right up! 429 00:27:12,850 --> 00:27:14,990 It's up now, I'll be right back. 430 00:27:16,530 --> 00:27:19,830 Oh God, which is which? They all look the same. 431 00:27:19,830 --> 00:27:22,620 You'd look like this too if you had melted cheese over you. 432 00:27:22,620 --> 00:27:26,040 The tuna melt. The chicken melt. That's a veggie melt. 433 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:28,720 Tuna, chicken, veggie. 434 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:30,220 Thank you. 435 00:27:32,990 --> 00:27:36,740 Veggie, chicken, and tuna, 436 00:27:36,740 --> 00:27:38,460 enjoy. - Hey... 437 00:27:38,460 --> 00:27:41,450 I don't want fries. I'm watching my carbs. 438 00:27:41,450 --> 00:27:43,220 Bring me some 'slaw. 439 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:49,720 I guess you'll be doing extra crunches at the gym. 440 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:53,210 Because we don't substitute unless there's a "please" with the request. 441 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:54,810 Enjoy! 442 00:27:56,780 --> 00:27:59,300 Most of these boys are princes. Once in a while you get a queen, 443 00:27:59,300 --> 00:28:03,140 and when you do, you just got to tell him where to stick he scepter. 444 00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:06,160 I don't know if I can do that. - Waitress! 445 00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:07,830 This is a diner, honey. 446 00:28:07,830 --> 00:28:09,660 It's kill or be killed. 447 00:28:09,660 --> 00:28:12,220 Waitress! Christ! 448 00:28:12,220 --> 00:28:15,990 Do you mean to wait on me? I've been sitting here for three days, like the lemon bars. 449 00:28:18,300 --> 00:28:19,760 Kill or be killed. 450 00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:23,700 Well? You're going to stand there and pose, or you're going to take my order? 451 00:28:23,700 --> 00:28:27,450 That will be a milkshake, and a bowl of chicken broth. 452 00:28:28,110 --> 00:28:29,470 Why would I want that? 453 00:28:29,470 --> 00:28:31,400 Because the next time you snap your fingers at me, 454 00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:35,050 the only way you're going to be able to suck anything is through a straw! 455 00:28:40,400 --> 00:28:43,030 By George, she's fucking got it. 456 00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:45,030 Yes! 457 00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:52,510 Don? 458 00:28:52,970 --> 00:28:54,510 Don, got a minute? 459 00:28:56,990 --> 00:29:00,010 I've an idea for my next segment I'd like to run by you. 460 00:29:00,010 --> 00:29:01,450 Hey buddy! 461 00:29:02,350 --> 00:29:04,890 Already starting to feel like a member of the team. 462 00:29:04,890 --> 00:29:08,280 Now then, I'd like to explore a seldom spoken of condition, 463 00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:10,280 that plagues over 40 percent of all straight men. 464 00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:13,770 An enlarged prostate? - Wearing brown shoes with black slacks. 465 00:29:13,770 --> 00:29:16,790 A common fashion faux pas that, humiliating as it may be, 466 00:29:16,790 --> 00:29:19,560 can be easily corrected. - Humiliating, huh? 467 00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:24,720 Why, except on some men. 468 00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:26,230 Such as yourself... 469 00:29:26,230 --> 00:29:28,810 who have the self confidence to carry it off. 470 00:29:28,810 --> 00:29:30,450 Look Emmett, I'm sorry. 471 00:29:30,450 --> 00:29:32,750 But after tomorrow, the queer guy is cancelled. 472 00:29:33,330 --> 00:29:35,650 You... cancelled? - Yeah. 473 00:29:36,650 --> 00:29:39,370 But I've only been on once! - That was enough. 474 00:29:39,370 --> 00:29:42,180 The audience didn't buy it, and neither did management. 475 00:29:42,180 --> 00:29:45,390 Look, we wanted a queer guy. And frankly, 476 00:29:45,390 --> 00:29:47,210 you're just not queer enough. 477 00:29:54,790 --> 00:29:58,040 My client was under the impression that Ms. Peterson had agreed 478 00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:00,830 to work out a custody agreement of their own, 479 00:30:00,830 --> 00:30:04,300 after matters between Ms. Marcus and Mr. Novotney were settled. 480 00:30:04,310 --> 00:30:07,790 And why should me client trust Ms. Marcus to consider her interests? 481 00:30:07,790 --> 00:30:10,520 When she enlisted your services without her knowledge. 482 00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:13,760 And considering they're in the midst of what we could label a divorce, 483 00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:16,980 Mr. Peterson has every reason and right to engage her own legal counsel. 484 00:30:16,980 --> 00:30:20,160 Alright Tom. I think we can accept the fact that you're here. 485 00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:22,480 And have no intentions of leaving. 486 00:30:22,480 --> 00:30:26,880 However I would like to point out that your client has no legal claims to this child. 487 00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:31,840 Since she's neither the biological, nor the adoptive mother. - Come on Bobby. 488 00:30:32,570 --> 00:30:35,760 She lived with a common-law arrangement with your client for ten years. 489 00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:37,340 Had a committment ceremony. 490 00:30:37,340 --> 00:30:40,050 She was the primary caregiver of their first child. 491 00:30:40,050 --> 00:30:44,010 She inseminated your client with Mr. Novotney's sperm, supported her through her pregnancy. 492 00:30:44,010 --> 00:30:47,200 Well, she was having an affair. - It's a single sexual encounter. 493 00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:49,510 I didn't realize just one time doesn't count. 494 00:30:49,510 --> 00:30:51,760 For which I've apologized ad nauseum. 495 00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:55,230 I would also like to point out that Ms. Marcus has engaged in her own infidelities. 496 00:30:55,230 --> 00:30:56,730 That was before we were married. 497 00:30:56,730 --> 00:31:00,900 Excuse me, but what the hell is an affair got to do with being a good parent? 498 00:31:01,330 --> 00:31:02,580 More to the point, 499 00:31:02,950 --> 00:31:05,370 Ms. Marcus, on more than one occasion, 500 00:31:06,270 --> 00:31:08,660 has endangered the life of her unborn child. 501 00:31:09,050 --> 00:31:11,280 By refusing to listen to her own doctor's orders. 502 00:31:11,630 --> 00:31:14,680 Overworking to the point of exhaustion, almost causing a miscarriage. 503 00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:16,100 Is that what you said? 504 00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:18,950 That's a goddamn exaggeration. 505 00:31:18,950 --> 00:31:21,850 Mel... - I was fine! - You were not fine. 506 00:31:21,850 --> 00:31:26,380 Which hardly qualifys you as a better mother than Ms. Peterson, biological or otherwise. 507 00:31:26,670 --> 00:31:29,150 In fact, as biological mother of their first child, 508 00:31:29,150 --> 00:31:32,960 I'd say my client was more qualified than either Ms. Marcus or Mr. Novotney. 509 00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:36,030 Experience is not a qualification for parenthood. 510 00:31:36,030 --> 00:31:40,370 What first-time parent has experience? You learn on the job. 511 00:31:40,370 --> 00:31:44,650 The fact remains, that your client has no claims, biological... 512 00:31:44,650 --> 00:31:48,950 or legal. - What she has is a moral claim. That's far more than Mr. Novotney, who... 513 00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:50,890 well, let's face it, is a... 514 00:31:50,890 --> 00:31:53,990 sperm donor with an overinflated sense of his own contribution. 515 00:31:53,990 --> 00:31:56,370 Hey! - As well as being morally unfit. 516 00:31:56,370 --> 00:31:57,760 What are you implying? 517 00:31:57,760 --> 00:32:02,280 He lives with two HIV positive men, one of whom is a male prostitute. 518 00:32:03,230 --> 00:32:04,720 Is that what told him? 519 00:32:06,650 --> 00:32:09,380 He's a former prostitute who was abused! 520 00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:11,020 By his mother! 521 00:32:11,020 --> 00:32:13,990 Mr. Novotney also has a history of recreational drug use. 522 00:32:13,990 --> 00:32:16,400 Attending known gay sexual establishments. 523 00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:19,760 And he makes his living by writing a violent, pornographic comic book. 524 00:32:20,100 --> 00:32:22,270 I believe it would take a lot to convince a judge 525 00:32:22,270 --> 00:32:24,800 that he has more rights to this baby than Ms. Peterson. 526 00:32:32,780 --> 00:32:34,100 Thanks a lot, Lindsey. 527 00:32:35,770 --> 00:32:38,370 So, we have two choices. 528 00:32:38,370 --> 00:32:43,480 We can either work out an equitable agreement between Jenny Rebecca's three parents, 529 00:32:45,190 --> 00:32:47,950 or we could go to court and let a judge resolve this. 530 00:32:48,410 --> 00:32:49,470 It's your decision. 531 00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:56,990 Lipo... 532 00:32:57,250 --> 00:32:58,350 Lipo... 533 00:32:58,770 --> 00:32:59,860 Butt lift... 534 00:33:01,070 --> 00:33:03,210 Lipo and brow lift. 535 00:33:03,210 --> 00:33:06,900 Hey, why don't you try doing a little work instead of counting who's had work done? 536 00:33:06,900 --> 00:33:09,120 And the point of that would be...? 537 00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:12,470 To keep your body, mind and spirit healthy and in shape. 538 00:33:13,330 --> 00:33:15,390 Of course, I personally don't need it. 539 00:33:15,830 --> 00:33:18,300 I only do this so guys can check out my ass. 540 00:33:21,930 --> 00:33:25,100 Well, check back with me when you're thirty... five, and 541 00:33:25,100 --> 00:33:27,900 the sun has begun to set on your endless summer. 542 00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:32,140 I mean, I've been coming to the gym, three times a week for 18 years! 543 00:33:32,140 --> 00:33:34,450 That's... let's see... 544 00:33:34,990 --> 00:33:36,900 Twelve times a month, times 18... 545 00:33:37,950 --> 00:33:41,560 2,116 hours spent in the gym. 546 00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:43,740 And look at me! I'm exactly the same! 547 00:33:43,740 --> 00:33:46,660 I take that back, actually there's more of me instead of less of me. 548 00:33:46,660 --> 00:33:48,490 And not where I want it to be. 549 00:33:49,030 --> 00:33:52,030 So why not just have a little snip and clip and be done with it? 550 00:33:56,520 --> 00:33:57,890 I've been cancelled! 551 00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:01,170 After today, queer guy is gone. 552 00:34:01,320 --> 00:34:02,600 And you know why? 553 00:34:03,270 --> 00:34:06,190 Because they thought I wasn't queer enough! Me! 554 00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:11,120 I mean, I've been called many, many things but never not queer enough. 555 00:34:12,150 --> 00:34:14,210 It's not only unconscionable, 556 00:34:14,210 --> 00:34:16,040 it's unfathomable. 557 00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:19,700 I mean, well, you saw me. Was I not the queerest thing on God's earth? 558 00:34:20,050 --> 00:34:22,550 Actually, you seemed a little bit... - Reserved. 559 00:34:24,100 --> 00:34:25,360 Reserved. 560 00:34:25,900 --> 00:34:29,230 You know, just not your usual flamboyant self. 561 00:34:29,230 --> 00:34:31,660 Well, I'm a news man now. 562 00:34:31,660 --> 00:34:34,660 I had to lower the flame a bit. 563 00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:38,780 I mean I figured if I was too flamboyant, I might turn people off. 564 00:34:38,780 --> 00:34:41,270 Well instead, they turned you off. 565 00:34:41,670 --> 00:34:44,540 I believe there's a profound life lesson in this. 566 00:34:45,060 --> 00:34:47,710 They hired you because they didn't want some stiff straight guy 567 00:34:47,710 --> 00:34:49,410 who looks like he has a poker up his ass. 568 00:34:49,410 --> 00:34:52,600 They wanted some gay guy who looked like he had a fist up his ass. 569 00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:55,360 They wanted you. Emmett Honeycut. 570 00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:57,270 The queerest, nellyest, 571 00:34:57,600 --> 00:35:03,480 ho-ho-homo, in the who-who-whole wide world. 572 00:35:08,830 --> 00:35:10,450 You haven't touched your drink. 573 00:35:11,850 --> 00:35:15,780 I didn't buy it to drink, I bought it to stare into, dejectedly. 574 00:35:15,780 --> 00:35:18,440 You're doing a hell of a job. 575 00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:21,300 Half the job that Lindsey's lawyer did on me. 576 00:35:21,300 --> 00:35:24,980 Made me sound like some kind of a depraved drug user. 577 00:35:25,460 --> 00:35:28,240 Pornographer. Sex fiend! 578 00:35:28,240 --> 00:35:30,320 Don't change a hair for me. 579 00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:32,820 Not if you care for me. - Fuck off. 580 00:35:33,340 --> 00:35:34,840 Nice to see you too. 581 00:35:35,370 --> 00:35:37,350 Out, enjoying yourselves, 582 00:35:37,690 --> 00:35:40,080 although, now that you've settled into domestic bliss 583 00:35:40,080 --> 00:35:43,740 I assumed you no longer frequented such dubious establishments. 584 00:35:43,740 --> 00:35:45,750 What's wrong with having a drink with our friends? 585 00:35:45,750 --> 00:35:48,230 Yeah, notice keyword "friends". 586 00:35:50,130 --> 00:35:52,820 You hired that lawyer for Lindsey, didn't you. 587 00:35:54,690 --> 00:35:58,270 Nevermind. It's obvious, how else could she afford him. She can barely afford her apartment. 588 00:35:58,270 --> 00:36:02,420 If Brian wants to pay for Lindsey's lawyer, it's his money and none of our business. 589 00:36:02,420 --> 00:36:05,720 Well said, professor. - The hell it's not! 590 00:36:05,720 --> 00:36:08,880 You're my friend. I thought my best friend. - I am! 591 00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:11,840 Then why are you helping her? - I would've done the same thing for you. 592 00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:13,750 What you can do for me isstay the hell out of it. 593 00:36:13,750 --> 00:36:18,230 Thanks to your unbiased generosity, we're now splitting Jenny Rebecca three ways. 594 00:36:18,920 --> 00:36:23,170 These gays having kids... now I ask you, what's the world coming to. 595 00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:26,700 Lindsey's her parent too. 596 00:36:27,060 --> 00:36:30,810 She has as much right to share custody, as you and Mel. 597 00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:43,340 You know, sometimes I swear, it's like I don't even know who the fuck he is anymore. 598 00:36:53,220 --> 00:36:55,940 Be sure to schedule those queer guys for tomorrow. - Okay. 599 00:36:57,130 --> 00:36:58,560 Okay, everybody! 600 00:36:59,660 --> 00:37:01,140 Places, everyone! 601 00:37:01,470 --> 00:37:09,490 And we're back from commercial in five, four, three, two... one. 602 00:37:11,500 --> 00:37:14,630 Hi! I'm Emmett Honeycut, your queer guy. 603 00:37:14,630 --> 00:37:20,700 And a certified member of the 4-F club. That's fashion, food, furnishings and... 604 00:37:20,700 --> 00:37:23,020 we'll save the last F for cable. 605 00:37:23,020 --> 00:37:27,270 Now, for my final segment, I'm going to show you how a little fairy dust 606 00:37:27,270 --> 00:37:31,790 can transform even the most hopeless of heteroes. 607 00:37:31,790 --> 00:37:35,090 Oh dear! Here's a sorry specimen. 608 00:37:35,090 --> 00:37:37,110 And, you are? - Clem. 609 00:37:37,110 --> 00:37:39,930 Clem! Is that short for Clementine? 610 00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:42,150 I didn't think so. 611 00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:48,830 Now Clem, my discerning queer guy eye tells me that you could use some divine intervention. 612 00:37:48,830 --> 00:37:50,850 Unfortunately, she's dead. 613 00:37:50,850 --> 00:37:53,830 Don't worry, queer guy can help. 614 00:37:53,830 --> 00:37:54,990 Starting... 615 00:37:55,420 --> 00:37:56,850 with the hair. 616 00:37:57,220 --> 00:37:59,830 A little product, hmm.... 617 00:38:02,720 --> 00:38:06,380 Work it in, work it in, work it off from the roots... 618 00:38:06,380 --> 00:38:07,740 very cool. 619 00:38:07,740 --> 00:38:10,700 Now, what's that with the schmoda you're wearing? 620 00:38:10,700 --> 00:38:14,990 Fortunately, I always travel with a spare. 621 00:38:15,430 --> 00:38:20,440 There you go... that's a helpful little tip for all you hot, sweaty, men. 622 00:38:20,770 --> 00:38:24,830 Not every one can carry off cotton-candy pink. Yeah. 623 00:38:25,420 --> 00:38:26,830 And one more thing. 624 00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:31,870 The good Lord gave us two eyebrows, for a reason. 625 00:38:31,870 --> 00:38:34,110 To separate us from the apes. 626 00:38:35,820 --> 00:38:37,300 Alright. 627 00:38:38,070 --> 00:38:40,770 And... 628 00:38:43,470 --> 00:38:44,310 There! 629 00:38:45,060 --> 00:38:46,940 Welcome to civilization. 630 00:38:47,470 --> 00:38:51,190 Well Clem, who knew you'd turn out to be such a hottie? 631 00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:55,390 I'm Emmett Honeycut, and that's your queer guy minute. 632 00:38:56,160 --> 00:38:58,990 And we're out! 633 00:39:08,610 --> 00:39:10,030 Hi Mommy! 634 00:39:10,030 --> 00:39:12,680 Hey, look who's here! 635 00:39:14,260 --> 00:39:17,330 Okay Gus, how about we get a nice apple? 636 00:39:21,240 --> 00:39:22,770 Look what I made you? 637 00:39:24,650 --> 00:39:27,120 Just what he needs. Sugar. 638 00:39:27,350 --> 00:39:28,970 One is not going to kill him. 639 00:39:32,330 --> 00:39:34,400 You can scrape them off the ceiling at two in the morning. 640 00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:38,320 When he's with you, you feed him what you want. When he's with me, I'll feed him what I want. 641 00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:41,360 Unless you plan to tell your lawyer I'm abusing him by feeding him a brownie. 642 00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:44,080 I was only looking out for my own interests. - You can say that again. 643 00:39:44,080 --> 00:39:45,480 Same as you. 644 00:39:45,480 --> 00:39:47,770 I told you that I'd take care of it, but that wasn't good enough. 645 00:39:47,770 --> 00:39:49,980 You got what you wanted by discrediting me. 646 00:39:49,980 --> 00:39:53,920 And making it seem as if I'm a lousy mother. - I didn't start this custody battle. 647 00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:57,650 But I'll be damned if was going to lose Jenny Rebecca because I didn't stand up for myself. 648 00:39:58,980 --> 00:40:00,680 So when do you plan to take our daughter? 649 00:40:00,990 --> 00:40:02,680 The lawyers will set up a schedule. 650 00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:06,410 Then we could fight over who gets Tuesdays and who gets Thursdays. 651 00:40:09,870 --> 00:40:11,330 You surprise me. 652 00:40:12,100 --> 00:40:14,120 I had no idea you are such a killer. 653 00:40:15,510 --> 00:40:17,090 I learned from the master. 654 00:40:26,010 --> 00:40:26,940 Well, Pete, 655 00:40:27,530 --> 00:40:28,490 that's it. 656 00:40:28,940 --> 00:40:32,090 I just delivered my last pink plate special. 657 00:40:33,720 --> 00:40:35,440 We're going to miss you, Deb. 658 00:40:36,550 --> 00:40:40,200 I'll walk out the front door, they'll be so busy chowing down they won't even notice. 659 00:40:40,620 --> 00:40:43,530 Deb! We got a disaster at table three. 660 00:40:43,530 --> 00:40:45,810 Loretta honey, I'm sure that whatever it is, you can handle it. 661 00:40:45,810 --> 00:40:48,930 Nothing in boot camp prepared me for this. Please! 662 00:40:48,930 --> 00:40:50,930 Alright, I am coming. 663 00:40:54,020 --> 00:40:56,630 I can't imagine what's so fucking important that you... 664 00:40:56,630 --> 00:41:01,600 For she's a jolly good homo, for she's a jolly good homo! 665 00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:06,020 For she's a jolly good homo... 666 00:41:06,020 --> 00:41:10,570 which nobody can deny! 667 00:41:18,980 --> 00:41:21,450 I don't know what to say... 668 00:41:22,160 --> 00:41:25,250 except now I know why we don't have a gay men's chorous. 669 00:41:27,390 --> 00:41:29,770 But it's the sentiment that counts. 670 00:41:30,820 --> 00:41:33,400 And in that department, you are all stars. 671 00:41:34,900 --> 00:41:36,690 You will always be in my heart. 672 00:41:39,220 --> 00:41:40,850 Just like this place. 673 00:41:41,750 --> 00:41:42,850 Always. 674 00:41:45,320 --> 00:41:47,490 And you're in good hands here with Loretta, 675 00:41:47,490 --> 00:41:52,540 alright, she's aces, don't give her any shit. She was trained by me and she can give it right back. 676 00:41:53,940 --> 00:41:57,380 Remember to order a vegtable once in a while, it's not going to kill you. 677 00:41:57,570 --> 00:42:01,910 And put a quarter, or a bill there in the jar up front, it's for the Vic Grassi house, 678 00:42:01,910 --> 00:42:04,420 a cause that is near and dear to me. 679 00:42:07,360 --> 00:42:08,820 Like all of you. 680 00:42:18,470 --> 00:42:20,870 Thanks for everything, Deb. 681 00:42:25,890 --> 00:42:28,600 Yeah Mom, thanks for everything. 682 00:42:30,470 --> 00:42:32,420 I'm surprised to see you here. 683 00:42:32,420 --> 00:42:34,310 I've been coming here all my life. 684 00:42:35,060 --> 00:42:39,890 I remember sitting in that booth, right over there, every day after school. It was my seat. 685 00:42:40,730 --> 00:42:43,120 And you'd bring me... - A butter crunch sundae. 686 00:42:43,570 --> 00:42:45,120 Well, I did my homework. 687 00:42:47,060 --> 00:42:49,050 And all the kids were so jealous. 688 00:42:49,820 --> 00:42:54,690 And when my birthday rolled around, you'd come to class with cupcakes and milkshakes and... 689 00:42:54,690 --> 00:42:56,810 serve all the kids in your uniform. 690 00:42:56,810 --> 00:42:59,800 Some of your little classmates even gave me tips. 691 00:43:00,370 --> 00:43:02,390 Well I thought I was pretty lucky. 692 00:43:04,570 --> 00:43:06,100 I was pretty lucky. 693 00:43:07,130 --> 00:43:09,360 You didn't feel that way the other day. 694 00:43:09,780 --> 00:43:12,150 I know how hard it was for you, 695 00:43:12,550 --> 00:43:14,150 raising me alone. 696 00:43:16,740 --> 00:43:19,090 And you did more than make the best of it. 697 00:43:20,300 --> 00:43:21,820 You were the best. 698 00:43:37,320 --> 00:43:39,540 You're such a silly boy. 699 00:43:48,170 --> 00:43:50,360 To Babylon. 700 00:43:50,900 --> 00:43:54,000 Still here, and still queer. 701 00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:56,350 Even though it would've made a hell of a Starbucks. 702 00:43:56,520 --> 00:43:58,950 I'll have a tall vodka latte, please. 703 00:44:24,010 --> 00:44:25,670 Okay, let them in! 704 00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:29,050 As if there's anyone to let in... 705 00:44:42,710 --> 00:44:45,480 Holy shit, would you look how long that line is? 706 00:44:45,480 --> 00:44:47,180 It's long, but is it real? 707 00:44:47,180 --> 00:44:51,170 As the immortal Jeff Stryker once said, you bet your ass it is. 708 00:44:51,170 --> 00:44:55,120 Do you believe you got in? - Who cares its twice as much as Poppers? 709 00:44:56,940 --> 00:44:58,510 Hey, you got in! 710 00:44:58,510 --> 00:45:01,760 Wasn't easy, I had to bribe the doorman twenty bucks. 711 00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:04,610 Oh my gosh, the queer guy! I saw you on TV. 712 00:45:04,610 --> 00:45:06,080 You're fabulous. 713 00:45:06,750 --> 00:45:09,280 Well, one has the eye. 714 00:45:10,110 --> 00:45:12,500 May I have a dance with the queer guy? 715 00:45:12,730 --> 00:45:15,620 You could use some tips on how to shake your tush. 716 00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:25,030 Well I guarantee you'll never find anything like this... 717 00:45:25,030 --> 00:45:26,790 at Pottery Barn. 718 00:45:28,100 --> 00:45:33,310 And I'll refrain from mentioning you will not see bananas like this at Banana Republic. 719 00:45:39,290 --> 00:45:42,830 So... you up for a little celebrating?